I am so pumped up. I can’t believe my good fortune. To have so many devoted fans who follow me and unquestionably support my decisions. To them I am a real-live action hero, and, like my screen personas, larger than life. I am the total opposite of those girly men in the legislature who snivel and grovel to insignificant special interests like labor, including those annoying nurses and teachers. Those people think they have power but they know no power like what I can wield. My friends are the rich and powerful, the true masters of the universe, and like me, “Mr. Olympia,” we have ultimate power over these puny, weaklings. We could crush them like a bug if we wanted to.
It’s funny how simple Kalifornians are. Maybe they drink too much tap water. Hah! They should probably stay off the fluoride for their own sake. And, just like sheep they are so easy to manipulate with simple sound bites and empty promises; like when I told them that I would sweep the special interests’ out of the Capitol and use my own money to finance my campaign. “Bah, bah, bah,” said the black sheep, and they buy it! Darwin is right, a perfect example of why the meek shall not inherit the earth.
But, it’s a good thing that people are so dumb and lazy because if they only bothered to do a little research they could see that some very powerful interests are behind my rise to power. But, they didn’t bother to even look at the record and came out in droves to vote for me during the recall election, and then again, in the regular election. For they can only see my star power — I am “Conan the Barbarian” and “The Terminator” and — hah! hah!— resistance is futile.
Of course I owe so much of political success to my good friend “Turd Blossom,” a genius for realpolitiks. For someone who doesn’t look like much he makes up for his pudgy, doughboy stature by having ca-hones the size of Texas — and he knows where to swing them, deftly knocking down all edifices of all integrity and honesty to rubble. There is not any dirty trick that man has not thought of in order to get what he wants. Truly, someone worth admiration like Hitler, another man of extraordinary vision and power. Certainly without “the Architect” it would have been hard, if not impossible, for me to become of “The Governator.” (I really like it when he calls me that.)
Today, Turd Blossum is working to have the Constitution changed in order to allow me to become President. This should not be too hard as he and the Bushies already destroyed so much of the Constitution as to be virtually unrecognizable from the original — and without even incurring any of the public’s wrath thanks to the media’s complicity in keeping this silent. After, the Military Commissions Act, the John Warner Defense Authorization Act of 2007 and National Security Directive 51, which effectively terminates large chunks of the Bill of Rights, adding an amendment allowing foreign-born nationals to become President shouldn’t really be much of a problem. Maybe in 2012 I will be in the White House. “The Presinator.”
Well, maybe I need to work on that.
But, mainly I got were I am today because of my indomitable will. That is something us Teutonics are known for — we breed übermensh and I am the über übermensh. Anything I set my mind to I get.
It’s funny, but some people think I was groomed for this position early on. They don’t believe that it is a coincidence that I starred in movies with titles like “Total Recall” and “The Running Man” and my meteoric rise in politics. That is quite humorous really. Of course these concepts were all hashed out later with my consultants on the campaign trail, and, since it just so happened that I played humanity’s saviour in both these films, it was natural to bring up these titles many times in my campaign speeches to make that connection — me, The Styrian Oak and Savior of Mankind. Hah!
As I said, people are simple. They don’t see the difference between the real world and fiction, so my friends in Hollywood and the White House will just keep on writing fun scripts for them to follow. It’s all very easy to manipulate the masses; Goebbels understood this well.
Today, my supporters want me to play the Terminator again — which is my favorite role. They want me to spray Kalifornia with a pesticide called “Checkmate” to exterminate the light brown apple moth, or so they say. They want me to claim it is an emergency so that it is not mandatory to do environmental and safety tests like would normally be required. I don’t have a problem doing this, however, I am getting a lot of flack from some people. My staff says the phones are ringing off the hooks from pissed off people who want me to stop the spraying. They are even calling my wife to complain. (I wish they would keep Maria out of this. I am the one who wears the pants around here and she knows it. Plus, she’s been working to get Obama elected and doesn’t need to be distracted by such frivolous matters as a few people who got stuffy noses from a little moth pheromone. What assholes!)
My staff have told me that people are reporting that the spraying in Monterey and Santa Cruz in late 2007 has made them sick. I believe these people are just being whiny babies who listen to these crazy, hippy, activistas or read these damnable blogs that put out any old crap that they can think of to confuse people and get them all paranoid. Somebody’s got to stop this nonsense. Maybe it’s time to call my friend, Congresswoman Jane Harmon, and have her speed up forming those Homegrown Terrorist Centers of Excellence, or whatever she is calling them before these crazy people spread more lies.
After all, just who do this people think they are? Me?