satire? criminal government

Global Chess 3000 – ZioCon™

Posted on

by Greg Bacon

ZioCon™, creators of “9/11,” “Shock and Awe”, “Gaza Blockade” and “Financial Collapse ’08” are pleased to announce their latest game for the moneyed elite called “Global Chess 3000.”

George Bush Sr., CEO of ZioCon™, issued a press release lauding the new strategic game being played on GC 3000. Bush said that they were creating a “new reality” of the world, casting and shaping the globe to benefit the upper crust and as such, they deserved a game befitting their status.

The old chess pieces will be replaced by the following creations of the Masters of Disaster at ZioCon™, said their Executive VP in charge of development, Benjamin “Bennie” Olmert. Olmert said that focus groups rated these life-like pieces high, since they seem so realistic.

The Knight will be replaced by the “Mercenary.” The Merc will be dressed in a Ninja like outfit, with a hood covering his face. He will be armed with fragmentation grenades and a assault rifle. He will serve at the Queen’s discretion and his moves known only to the Queen and her inner circle. The “Merc” is authorized by his Queen to shoot on sight anyone the “Merc” deems an obstacle to the Queen’s global conquest.

The Bishop will now be called the “Televangelist.” This piece will be dressed in a custom made silk suit from Saville Row, wear a $736,000 dollar Frank Muller timepiece and have bullet proof hair. The beauty of the TE is that he is so stealthy at getting pawns to believe bunk that their minds are easy for takeover and domination, which in turn leads to control of the Global game board.

The rook will now be called the “News Anchor.” The News Anchor will not actually physically move around the board, but his mouth will flap incessantly, making the other pawns think they are actually hearing something worth listening to and at the same time, filling the pawn’s mind with useless dreck, which gives the opponent an easy prey.

The pawns, said “Bennie”, will stay true to their past and present places in history and remain pawns. He added that there are more than enough pieces available to become pawns and as in the past, are more than willing to die to help the King and Queen achieve their goals.

“Bennie” added that ZioCon™ had toyed with the idea of changing the pawns name to “cannon fodder” or “suckers”, but that making something so evident that obvious could impact profits, so it was decided to let the pawns stay.

ZioCon™ said they wanted to retain a bit of old world flavor in their new game, so they elected to keep the King and Queen pieces as originally designed.

The ZioCon™ spokesperson said that having a King and Queen rule over the Global Chess 3000 board was a reflection of actualities in the real world, with untold numbers of pawns literally fighting over scraps of bread, so long as their King and Queen could live in the lap of luxury.


The Corona-…er…Inauguration

Posted on

An Inaugural Day Prayer for Our New Fuhrer

by Nic Leobold

For Contemplation on Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Dear Almighty Jesus God in Heaven, on this Inauguration Day 2009, please bless our new Nazi Fuhrer, Fuhrer President Barack Hussein Obama, as he prepares to rain oppression, theft, murder and rape upon us his sheeple-people here in America and millions more worldwide.

Fuhrer President Obama is a worthy choice for our new Nazi Fuhrer, as he fervently loves and believes in all the usurpations of individual liberty, invasions of privacy, Constitutional and Human Rights violations, tax thievery of hard-earned property and wealth, and rape, pillage, assaults and murders of any individuals or peoples who stand in the way of his and the U.S. government’s total domination of the world. Amen.

As bigoted secret closeted homosexual Pastor Rick Warren prepares to give the homily for Fuhrer Obama’s grand inauguration gala, let us give thanks to Jesus for the multitude of Afghani men, women and children who will get their arms and legs blown off, their eyes gauged out, or simply be blown totally to bits, by Fuhrer Obama’s brave united land, sea and air forces. Let us hope and pray that we subdue the entire Afghani countryside for our glorious fascist world empire so we can exploit their land for our oil pipelines and gas transport, while bringing the once-proud Afghani people to their knees under our thumb so we can extract all the wonderful tribute taxes, property seizures, spoils, and new political prisoners, like we already get from all our conquested lands in the civilized world.

And Dear Jesus Lamb of Eternal Almighty God, it will be so wonderful when Fuhrer Obama reneges on his promise to pull us out of Iraq, and continues the illegal invasion which has killed and maimed more than one million innocent Iraqi men women and children, and displaced a million more. God knows the U.S. government and our Fuhrer Obama will never be satisfied until that whole country cowers under the weight of our iron jack boots, every Iraqi boy and girl cowers in front of our storm troopers until they submit to our imperial brainwashing in our subsidized Iraqi indoctrination public school system, and the entire wealth of the country in oil and tax revenue is funneled here to feed the insatiable appetite of Fuhrer Obama’s multi-billionaire Wall Street investment banker robber baron campaign backers in their corporate welfare-subsidized $300,000 dollar bullet-proof mammoth SUV’s, $20 million dollar private jets and $10 million McMansions.

Dear Lord God, it is truly wonderful how much Fuhrer Obama loves and licks the asses of our jack-booted thug local police forces, FBI, BATFE, state police, and brave Nazi S&M parole and correction officers, who go about pillaging our country, molesting our citizens, persecuting innocent people and jailing non-violent victim-free “criminals”. Thank you dear Lord Jesus for letting Fuhrer Obama see so clearly the terrible sin of being free, of doing and living how one chooses as long as you don’t forcibly interfere with anyone else. Thank you S.S. Nazi Fuhrer Obama for agreeing to outlaw online gambling, poker, sports wagering, private small-business casinos, the Pleasure Industries, benign plants and root products like morphine, cocaine, marijuana and opium, homemade alcohol, and cigarettes, with your onerous taxes, regulations and restrictions, all of which millions of responsible citizens use daily without hurting or interfering with anyone, while you simultaneously pass more medical welfare and medical regulations which inject more dangerous pharmaceutical chemical drugs into our schoolchildren (and make medical care more unaffordable for our citizens), all in the name of school classroom Nazi fascist order and submissiveness. Thank you Fuhrer Obama for holding everyone in the whole country responsible for the misdeeds and irresponsibility of a few. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being such an authoritarian Nazi police anus-licker.

Dear God, we are so thankful that Fuhrer Obama’s inauguration will be such a sappy, whiny, pussy-footed wimpish, faggoty-politician melodramatic spectacle. Thank you for all the ass-licking diplomats, arrogance-filled tyrannical human rights-violating foreign statesmen and women, phony traitorous members of the House and Senate and their sadomasochistic staffers, various lazy pencil-pushing bureaucrats and the duplicitous and traitorous members of the Supreme Court, who will watch you shred our Constitution even more into tiny bits of toilet paper even more than they already have, and cheerfully swear you in today as though you’re their knight in shining armor, when instead you’re a slim shady slimy bum of a washed-up con man from the New World Order smelly bankers cabal who stinks of dog shit and Marlboros, who would nevertheless still like to fuck the Supreme Court justices up the ass.

Dear Jesus, thank you for making Hussein Barack Obama so close-minded to economic reality and truth. We all know that only Austrian economics has any rational truth, but thankfully Hussein Obama ignores economic reality and listens to economically illiterate boners like Paul Krugman and just prints more paper money to give out to rich socialist bankers and industrialists who can always rely on Washington insiders to bail them out when they totally blow their wad. Thank you God for Barrack Obama our Fuhrer who refuses to privatize our whole economy and institute free markets, which is actually our only hope for prosperity, peace, happiness and jobs, and instead make us all slaves in his authoritarian, centralized, top-down command economy which makes victims of the poor and middle class and makes us all economic slaves. It would make so much more sense to privatize our roads, bridges and mass transit as is being done to a limited extent in India, for example, but Barrack Hussein Fuhrer Obama would rather we all be economic slaves to him and his rich socialist cronies, so we can be thankful for that.

And we are also so thankful God that Barrack Obama will undoubtedly pass total gun control and gun bans throughout the whole country, so we will be left totally defenseless before the Nazi police departments which terrorize our communities and shoot black “punks” in the back lying face down at close range in subways. God, this is how we have to deal with black trouble makers, and Obama our black Oreo Fuhrer knows how to do it: Always back up the police, always kiss their ass, always lick their anuses, and always find them not guilty or even better innocent when they sodomize innocent civilians with police batons or merely riddle them with bullets. Not to mention when they interfere with peaceful demonstrations, ban freedom of assembly as guaranteed by the Constitution, and harass troublemakers who are merely handing out political leaflets critical of our Nazi government.

Dear God, Fuhrer Barack Obama is such a Constitutional genius that he has figured out that we don’t need to follow the Constitution, that all the hundreds of thousands of laws and regulations that violate the Constitution and our Human Rights and Liberty are totally legitimate because Might Makes Right, and the Constitution is just a symbol and a talking point and sound bite for politicians to use in their speeches and public appearances while they shit all over and jerk off on the Constitution and Bill of Rights in the Oval Office and the Halls of Congress.

Dear Jesus Our Holy Lamb, please protect our Great Hero Barack Obama from any crazy patriotic American who would lob a grenade at his motorcade and kill off a few dozen Secret Service agents and our new President. Please protect Fuhrer Obama from a Valkyrie-inspired cyanide food poisoning by a few patriotic Secret Service agents who dumbly think they should put the interests of the American people before that of rich socialist tycoons and other influential friends of Obama’s elite club. Please protect Obama from contracting any rare forms of anal cancer, irritable bowel syndrome, facial tics, Rotten Eye Syndrome, total impotence and insensitivity, or Withering Limb Syndrome, which people of conscience think he so richly deserves.

Please protect Fuhrer Obama from some brave patriot who might shoot a bazooka at the Fuhrer’s motorcade, or plant a mound of plastic explosives in his luncheon tray, which might blow up and totally obliterate him in the same way that Iraqi, Palestinian and Afghani children are obliterated every hour from Fuhrer Obama’s advanced military weaponry. Please stop any crazy looney Constitution-loving, Liberty-loving American, Human Rights-loving patriot from scraping Fuhrer Obama’s hand with a poisonous ring finger when they shake his hand at public functions. Please stop any nutty freedom-lover from flying a private jet full of explosives into the Oval Office severing all four of our Fuhrer’s limbs plus his head, after which he oozes blood all over George Bush’s carpeting.

Finally, Almighty God, please stop a crazy Liberty-loving freedom fighter from smuggling an Uzi submachine gun into an official function and machine-gunning a one-foot hole through Fuhrer Obama’s stomach, so he bleeds to death quickly and painfully, and then machine-gunning him in the head just to make sure, even though a shout of victory and joy would go up throughout the land from American patriots.

Dear God, Our new Fuhrer Barack Hussein Obama is incomparably corrupt, power-hungry, cynical and greedy; he loves to continue stealing from our citizens and small businesses and making life miserable for the middle and lower classes, and enriching his socialist friends and political cronies; he loves shaping the economy and social policy so only rich socialists have any chances and advantages, and the rest of society has to be subservient slathering slaves. But that’s the prerogative of our Nazi Fuhrer.

Just as with Hitler Bush, and Conniving Con-Man Gigolo Clinton before him, Fuhrer Obama will subdue the land and give all the fruits of our crops to the authoritarian masters. This is how it must be. Because we are at war…not a War of Terror or simply a War on Drugs, but a War of the Masters Versus the Slaves. Our Nazi masters want the current world order to continue, nothing must change. Not the slaughter in Gaza or socialism in Europe or economic exploitation in Asia and Africa nor the Police State in Amerika. We must throw up more smokescreens of compassionate conservatism and progressive leftism to fool the masses into thinking our politicians want to help us, when in fact they always screw us and screwing us is the plan. But maybe that is our lot in life.

Thank God Fuhrer Obama wants to kill and rape more women, children and civilians, overseas and here at home. For that is the only way to ensure that our Nazi empire continues in power and is able to exploit all profits and resources to keep our rich socialist masters comfortable in their limousines and in power.

God, please don’t let some crazy liberty-loving assassin shoot and kill Fuhrer Obama in the head on Inauguration Day, because that might restore a little liberty to our concentration camp of a country.








Obama Inauguration’s Mammoth Carbon Footprint

Outside the sun is shining and it’s 7(F) degree. Inside I’m less than warm and cozy: according to the “religion” of Global Warming, it’s a “sin” if I crank up my heater. Even so, a site called The Chilling Effect has put together some figures relating to the Obama Inauguration, figures which point out the massive hypocrisy of politicians and celebrities.

According to Chilling Effect, Obama’s “housewarming” will produce a staggering 575 million POUNDS of CO2. How long before an “average” household produces this big of a carbon footprint? An astounding 57,598 years.

So while I’m struggling with my conscience on whether or not to turn up the thermostat–throwing a log on the fire is out the question, too much pollution–celebrities and bigwigs will be flying into D.C. on their private jets, an estimated 25,320,000 POUNDS of CO2. The very same celebrities and bigwigs who preach that unless we cut back on our emissions our planet will die.



Obama’s Inauguration Cost Set to Pass $150 Million, Becoming Most Expensive Inauguration Ever

Obama’s inauguration cost is going to become quite expensive. The cost of President-elect Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration is rumored to cost between $150 and $160 million to pull off. Having such a high cost for the Obama inauguration of course brings to mind comparisons between Obama’s and that of past Presidents of the United States. The last inauguration, which took place in 2005 for President George W. Bush cost only $42.3 million, whereas the 1993 inauguration for President Bill Clinton totaled $33 million.

(Follow linked URL for completion of article)

Let’s see now, the nation is in the midst of the worst economic times in many, many years – if not decades. The unemployment rolls are growing by the minute. The Federal defecit is growing by the second. The American public is becoming increasingly disgusted as one bunch of fat cat industrialists demands their own bailout. The nation’s banks are demanding a second bailout, and the nation’s automakers are next in line.

In such a horrific financial and economic environment Obama’s kick off party is going to be the most expensive in history. In fact, Obama’s big party is going to be almost four times the cost of his predecssor’s.

Wasn’t Obama on national TV recently telling us all to be frugal and expect hard financial times ahead and that we should all just tighten our belts a bit? Yeah, I thought so.

And now he’s turning around and throwing himself a $150,000,000 party.

Yes folks, this is change we can believe in!

Yes we can!



Obama Credited With Saving Plane

Posted by papundits on 01/16/2009

Scooter’s ReportSatire

NEW YORK (SR) – New York politicians are lauding President-elect Barack Obama as a hero Thursday night after he managed to inspire the crew of US Airways Flight 1549 to safely land their plane in the middle of the Hudson River. All 155 passengers and crew have been accounted for, according to the Federal Aviation Administration.

“We have a heroic President-elect who has given hope to an entire nation, including the crew and passengers of that plane. We’ve had a Miracle on 34th Street and now I believe we’ve had a miracle on the Hudson,” Gov. David Paterson said at a joint press conference with Mayor Bloomberg on Thursday evening.

A flight attendant on the flight said the pilot’s last words before bringing the plane in were, “Hey, if an ex-crackhead/socialist/pinhead can get elected President, I can land this plane in the Hudson River.”

President-elect Obama saves US Airways Flight 1549

Big Brotha is watching

Big Brotha is watching

The Dark Knight DVD: Holy Batshit 9/11 Truth!

Posted on

Pirate News TV

On Sept 12, 2001, Batman assassinated president George W Bush, the secretary of state and chairman of the Pentagon joint chiefs, by ramming his robot Batjet into a skyscraper in NY City, as partially reported by History Channel, NPR and The Onion. Deafening silence followed. Until Pirate News’ TV broadcast this week, already censored by CIA on Youtube.

“There’s no rules!”

-President George W Bush, Skull & Bones

No Batjet crashed into a skyscraper in The Dark Knight movie, so this official movie poster is referring to the Book 2 of DK2, written weeks BEFORE 9/11/2001. Batman was attempting to assassinate the president of the United States, George W Bush, er, Dick Cheney, er, Lex Luthor. By January 2002, Batman had successfully assassinated the president of the United States and his White House employees, using THERMITE and explosive controlled demolitions. Can you take a hint? Was this a threat to George W Bush, FOR REAL? Israeli Mossad is now running the comic industry in NY City as proven by History Channel, as proxy for British Military Intelligence 6, as proxy for the Jewish banksters?

John Lee
Pirate News TV


Holy Batshit 9/11 Truth!

“It gets even weirder. I turned in the second book on Sept. 12. And there are events in it that… people are going to think I did the whole thing after the attacks.”
-Frank Miller, The Onion AV Club, December 5th, 2001

History Channel reported that evil Lex Luthor was elected president of the United States in 2000, an obvious metaphor for George W Bush.

History Channel reported that on September 11, 2001, Frank Miller’s Batman, THE DARK KNIGHT STRIKES AGAIN, Book 2, “coincidentally” showed jet aircraft crashing into skyscrapers in Metropolis, which symbolizes New York City.

But what did History Channel censor from The Dark Knight, in Superheroes Unmasked?

Let us count the ways:

That Batman was trying to assassinate the president of the United States, Lex Luthor, when he rammed his Batjet into Lex Luthor’s skyscraper by remote control.

That Batman did assassinate the president of the United States in Book 3 of The Dark Knight Strikes Back, published January 2002.

Why did the superheroes want to kill the president of the United States?

Because president Lex Luthor attacked the United States in a false flag attack, using robot unmanned aerial vehicles, and destroyed Metropolis, causing the massacre of millions of US citizens, and planned the genocide of 80% of Earth’s population.

Other features of the Dark Knight was the police state, martial law, and the treasonous US military attacking USA with nuclear weapons, after president Lex Luthor declared war on “domestic terrorists”.

All these plots were censored from the Hollywood movie, The Dark Knight, which killed actor Keith Ledger. Frank Miller was banned from writing the movie script for The Dark Knight.

In The Dark Knight Strikes Again, Book 3, published in January 2002, The Joker was identified Batman’s sidekick Robin, Dick Grayson. Another example of a false flag inside job. Batman killed Robin in an EXPLOSVE CONTROLLED DEMOLITION, and using C4 bombs and THERMITE. This was years before Dr Steven Jones found Thermite in the melted steel from the World Trade Center “collapse”. Thermite is commonly used for arson, since it burns quietly, melts steel like butter, cannot be extinguished by firefighters, and only leaves behind metal dust. Robin became the Joker due to human experiements and MKULTRA by the US Government, and was working for president Lex Luthor as a suicide bomber.

The Dark Knight movie does hint at these facts, in its movie poster and offical website, showing a skyscraper rammed by Batman’s aircraft, just like the World Trade Center on 9/11. But this scene is censored from the movie.

The only question is, who was feeding this prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks to Frank Miller? And why? Insider trading, like on Wall Street before 9/11? Inside joke, making fun of stupid goyim? MKULTRA brainwash for the actual terrorists on 9/11, employed by Mossad, MI6, and CIA? Or a Jewish mutiny against the Jewish banksters?

Question: “Do you think someone like Batman could actually function in the real world?”
Frank Miller: “No, I think he’d get killed pretty quick.”

So true, especially if patsies were gullible enough to work for Mossad, MI6 and CIA. Dead men don’t testify against their employers, or record their controllers giving them the bombs and $1-million cash, like Emad Salem during the 1993 World Trade Center bombing by the FBI.

Frank Miller is Jewish, living in New York City. So he was exposed to the Jewish elite who perpetraited the 9/11 attacks to blame the Muslims. Miller is a popular Jewish name, like Arthur Miller, married to Jew Marylin Monroe, and Jew John Miller, the only “journalist” to interview Usama Bin Laden, but failed to make an arrest while employed by LAPD Intelligence and ABC (CIA) News.

Just like Adolf Hitler Shicklegruber staged a false flag attack to arson the German parliament building to falsely blame the Communists and declare himslef dictator, and Operation Himmler “terrorist” attacks to falsely blame Poland to start World War 2. Hitler was a Jew put into power by his Jewish bankster family of the Rothschilds, as reported by Jewish historians on History Channel.

The trillionaire Rothschild banksters own most of the world’s wealth, and are the evil force behind the 9/11 Attacks, and the 2008 Bankster Bailout Bill which stole $8-trillion from their US taxslaves in just 7 weeks, under threat to Congress of martial law. George W Bush is their puppet, as Frank Miller shows in the Dark Knight, with the fake president as a hologram controlled by evil Lex Luthor.

The Dark Knight includes Batman faking his own death, just like CIA agents in Operation Northwoods. Northwoods was declassified by the National Security Agency in 2000, as part of the JFK assassination archives. Operation Northwoods was a treasonous plan by the US Government to attack USA with false flag terrorist attacks, hijacking fake CIA airliners by remote control, and crash those “hijacked” airliners by remote control. Northwoods was first reported by ABC News and the Baltimore Sun in May 2001. Northwoods was featured as a plot in the X-Files spinoff series, The Lone Gunmen, in April 2001, where the CIA hijacked a US airliner by remote control to crash it into the World Trade Center.

Operation Northwoods

Funny how History Channel, National Public Radio, The Onion, Hollywood and the media mafia of New York City failed to ask Miller why he wanted Batman to assassinate the president of the United States, using robot drone aircraft crashing into skyscrapers, just like Operation Northwoods.

Funny how Heath Ledger died from drug addiction overdose. Drug addiction is how MKULTRA mind-control slaves are manufactured by CIA. His strange death resulted in an extra billion-dollar profit for The Dark Knight. Illuminati ritual sacrifice?

Let’s take a look at the uncensored Dark Knight, FOR REAL.

With President JFK reading the Declaration of Independence and ranting against secret societies. Music from the Dark Knight Soundtrack: Why So Serious. As broadcast by Pirate News TV in Knoxville Tennessee.

Fair use for non-profit news commentary per 17 US Code 107.

NPR – Fresh Air from WHYY, November 14, 2002
He transformed Batman into a brooding, tortured vigilante in his remakes of the classic Batman comic: The Dark Knight Returns and The Dark Knight Strikes Again. Both are now available in hardback editions. Miller also wrote the screenplays for RoboCop 2 and RoboCop 3.

Comic Book Superheroes Unmasked, 2003 History Channel


History Channel: Frank Miller confessed that Batman had prior knowledge of 9/11.

911 CON

As seen on History Channel

Batman 1966: Episode 33: Skull & Bones

This is the episode where they tell Bruce that his great grandfather founded Skull & Bones Senior Secret Society at Yale University. Eyewitnesses report that Skull & Bones’ Tomb is adorned with stolen skeletons and Nazi momentos, and members dine off silverware owned by Adolf Hitler Shicklegruber, heir to half the world’s wealth looted by the Jewish Rothschild bankster dynasty.

Part 1 Censored:

Part 2 Censored:

Part 3 Censored:

Skull & Boners at Bohemian Grove MP3:

“There’s no rules!”
-President George W Bush, Skull & Bones

Pakistan, a change we can…arrange

Posted on

Auntie Ziona Spoof Zionist’s blog Auntie Ziona

Oy gevalt, the terror attack in Mumbai was all we talked about at Shabbat last week.

With a few bottles of Uncle Shlommi’s kosher wine from Chile pushing up the angst levels, old Mrs Mendelsohn became quite tearful about India being Israel’s biggest customer in the global arms trade, and the way India invited our Mossad to provide intelligence and training to the paramilitary mobs of Hindutva, and keep the country safe from the Achmeds and Mustafas.

And we raised our glasses to the hard work put in by our Bush’le to encourage an arms race between India and Pakistan, making them feel honoured to join the nuclear club and get their chance to wipe one another out, without involving our armies and our gelt.

Auntie Shelomi said she was convinced that the CIA was behind Mumbai, because of Obambi’s response right after the attack and his election campaign promises to bomb Pakistan out of existence, coupled with the arrival of US warships in Pakistani waters the moment the shooting began in Mumbai.

“And only the American shmoigers could have done something as stupid as ordering large amounts of LIQUOR and meat for the ‘Muslim’ terrorists holed up in Chabad House, if the plan was to create support for the coming war against Pakistan!”

“Nu, at least we can be sure that Socialists were not involved,” said Mony, who’s still feeling fercockt after his altercation with Mikey’le a few weeks ago.

“It sounds like a typical false’le flag operation to me,” said Rachel, who has a goy conspiracy theorist for a boyfriend. “Mossad, the CIA and the British MI ZEX working with a core group of meshuggenah ideologues within India’s military, intelligence and political elite who were planning a coup, and who want to see India emerge as a groys-power closely allied with our Jewmerice.”

“Feh!”, shouted Auntie Shelomi, “If the Mossad was involved and the plan was to frame the Muslims, wouldn’t they have had the brains to remind the killers to remove from their right wrists the red strings that signify devotion to Hinduism?

But why were the police told to ‘stand down’ and not fire back at the killers, and why was Hemant Karkare, the anti-terrorism chief of Mumbai police, the first target of the mysterious terrorists?

Auntie will tell you, but keep it to yourself and don’t tell anyone… Kerkare had been uncovering the nexus between the Indian military and the sudden rise of well-armed and well-financed Hindu terrorism groups with their wide network of militant training camps across India. And he’d arrested a few very important people.

As usual, Uncle Shlommi was able to help us to make sense of the puzzle. He served in the elite forces when our Golda was PM, and can still remember how to tap out Hava Nagila in Morse Code from those days.

“Girls, there’s no need to plotz” he said, standing up and lifting the menorah high in the air. “Always remember that we work together with the intelligence agencies of our allies. To understand the Mumbai attack, you have to figure out who is going to benefit from it, and I promise you, it’s not going to be these schmendriks in Pakistan.

“Do you remember what our David Ben-Gurion had to say about that anti-semitic sewer of a country, if ever there was one?

“The world Zionist movement should not be neglectful of the dangers of Pakistan to it. And Pakistan now should be its first target, for this ideological State is a threat to our existence. And Pakistan, the whole of it, hates the Jews and loves the Arabs.

“This lover of the Arabs is more dangerous to us than the Arabs themselves. For that matter, it is most essential for the world Zionism that it should now take immediate steps against Pakistan.

“Whereas the inhabitants of the Indian peninsula are Hindus whose hearts have been full of hatred towards Muslims, therefore, India is the most important base for us to work from there against Pakistan.”

“Oy vey”, said old Mrs Mendelsohn, swaying a bit as she pulled up her sleeve to display the number tattooed on her wrist, something she does every Shabbos, “Can you imagine another Shoah, only this time with Pakis instead of Germans?!

“Got in himmel. The first thing they would smash on Kristallnacht would be the kosher wine.”

United against the goyim!

angst – cold sweat, anxiety

feh! – An expression of disgust or disapproval, representative of the sound of spitting.

fercockt – all fucked up

gelt – money

groys – big, large

Got in himmel – God in heaven

“Hava Nagila” is a hebrew folk song, the title meaning “Let us rejoice”.

meshuggenah – a crazy person, someone who is nuts.

plotz – Or plats. Literally, to explode, as in aggravation.

Shabbos or Shabbat – Sabbath. Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.

shmendrik – a pathetic loser, hapless soul, an inept nincompoop.

shmoiger – A shmuck, but really stupid.

Psychic Predictions for the Nashville Debate

Posted on Artist: LoveliestDreams

Dolly Danger hears voices, has visions.

Unable to get into the inner circle of the press at Nashville’s Belmont University for the Presidential debate, no non-main stream blogger/reporters were allowed, Dolly decided to look into the crystal. What she saw disturbed her.

“Key words will tell the inner story” she whispered.

war, war
terrorists bad
bin Laden
Israel good
Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq – surge, winning, continue
Iran bad
bailout will work

“Words not spoken will reveal where the secrets must remain hidden from the masses” she sighed.

Federal Reserve
Criminal Administration
Criminal Congress
Criminal Judiciary
bringing home all of our troops
No foreign aid for illegitimate rouge states
constitution first
America first
Lies I’ve Told to Become President.

We’ll see how good Dolly is as a ‘seer’.

Things Are Awfully Not Funny around Here

Posted on art: Robert Craig

“You know, Mark,” moaned fellow satirist Kram Ettleord recently, “I just don’t feel funny anymore.”

“How so?” I asked my longtime friend. “There’s tons of stuff to riff on. What about those photos of Bush appearing blotto drunk at the Olympics?”

“Hmph. That’d be like sending up Hitler’s breezy side.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s severe.”

“So are Bush and his murderous cohorts. They savage the world and burn the Constitution, yet what do we get? Sanctimonious editorials about John Edwards’ peccadillo. Please!”

“Well,” I said, playing devil’s advocate, “the media did condemn Larry Craig for his airport restroom follies.”

“Yeah, but most of that outrage missed the boat by focusing on how Craig floats his. Who cares how rocks are gotten off? No, his and ilk’s real transgression is the hypocritical vote-getting anti-gay agenda they cynically press, until, you know, one of them gets caught with his pants down.”

“Ha! At least you can still turn a phrase,” I chuckled.

“Yeah, well, that and signing a loyalty oath’ll get me a cup of swill at a Halliburton-built detention facility. One thing’s for sure: I’ll end up in one sooner rather than later if I write what I’m really thinking.”

“What’s that?”

He furtively scanned the café and then whispered: “I want us to lose. Big-time.”


“Whatever next all-forsaken place the American imperialist war machine decides to pulverize into a fine radioactive dust — whether Iran or the oil-rich plains of the planet Gruptar — I want the U.S to get its ass kicked.”

I gasped. “You realize what you’re saying, right?”

“That more U.S. soldiers would have to die for that to happen?” he said, sadly. “Yeah, I get it. But their fates, and those of untold others, were sealed by the jingoistic bloodlust of millions of American yahoos who mindlessly exhorted Bushco’s slaughter in Iraq from the trumped-up beginning. Sure, the public’s hinky now but that’s mainly because gas prices rocket ever skyward. No, not until America suffers an undisputed, all-out, thoroughly humiliating military defeat is there a chance its global rampage will finally be abated. ‘Course, there might not be a human left alive after such a confrontation but that’s another matter.”

“Wow, that’s not very funny,” I said.

“Nor are a million dead innocents or the transformation of the cradle of civilization into a toxic waste dump. Or that such madness hardly dents the myopic American collective psyche, the same appalling apathy that now allows Vietnam to be retroactively recast as a righteous cause that should have been doggedly pursued until the freedom-bestowing U.S. military could ultimately produce an honorable victory that, in truth, could only exist in the reptilian brains of Bush and his neocon masters, an Orwellian reworking of history that first gained traction during the 2004 faux presidential campaign and steamrolls today with the glorification of the GOP’s standard-bearing buffoon, John ‘Drop ‘Em If Ya Got ‘Em’ McCain, as some untouchable hero.”

“I get all that. But what about the grieving families of U.S. military dead?”

“I feel bad for them, sure. But,” said Kram as he carefully looked around again, “here’s the bloody bottom line: anyone stupid and savage enough to join the military now to willingly participate in one mammoth war crime deserves everything he gets.”

“Man, I hate to see you like this,” I replied. “Plus, that sort of talk could result in your property being confiscated, as per Bush’s July 17, 2007, executive order, for ‘threatening the peace or stability of Iraq or the Government of Iraq, or undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people.’”

“Why do you think I’m wearing this fake beard?”

“I was wondering about that,” I replied. “But isn’t the wig a bit much?”

“All in preparation, my friend.”

“For what?”

“Undercover research on my new book, inspired, interestingly enough, by the aforementioned Craig: As America Goes Down the Toilet, a Between-the-Stalls Peek at Gay-Bashing Fascists Who Do the Same in Same.”

I laughed. “A bit unwieldy, perhaps, but it’s great to see you’ve not left the funny business altogether.”

Kram smiled. “No, I guess not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to Google the floor plan for the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota.”

“Whatever for?”

“That’s where the GOP holds its convention next week. The men’s room there should be a gold mine.”

Mark Drolette is a writer who lives in Costa Rica. He can be reached at: Read other articles by Mark, or visit Mark’s website.


The Surge Is Working!

Posted on

by Thomas R. Eddlem

The constant repetition over talk radio that “the surge is working” has convinced me that the surge in Iraq has worked. No longer do I ask: “Working compared to what?” Additional American casualties are fewer in Iraq today than a year ago, and that’s enough for me. No longer do I ask: “Fewer than if we pulled out of Iraq?” or “When will the casualties end?”

No, the surge is a rousing success.

There’s infallible logic, there’s invincible logic, and then there’s the far more powerful logic of repetition. Repetition is a wonderful thing, and I’ve therefore decided to become a neo-conservative.

Here are my new beliefs:

  • I believe the U.S. Constitution only applies to Americans … except, of course, to illegal aliens, and to foreigners who give so much as a hangnail to one of our embassy personnel or citizens abroad. Those foreigners have no rights, but the Constitution does apply when it comes to kicking their butts out of the country, or frying their butts, respectively.
  • I believe aliens do not possess our inalienable rights under the Constitution. God only gave rights to Americans, and Thomas Jefferson was mistaken in the Declaration of Independence about “all men” possessing “inalienable rights” from God. Foreigners aren’t really “men,” but rather are sub-human. The Germans had a good word for it a few years back: untermenschen.
  • I believe terrorists don’t deserve trials or habeas corpus, even though murderers, child molesters and rapists clearly deserve trials and habeas corpus. The latter are so clearly a better class of people and have obviously harmed far fewer of my countrymen.
  • I believe that if we give just one trial to some towel-headed Muqbar, Islamofascism will take us over and impose Islam on my family. I believe this most sincerely even though I repeat every hour – on the hour – we have the best, most powerful and most technologically advanced military in the world, a military that sits on a pile of nuclear weapons.
  • I believe people who oppose indefinite detention without trials want the terrorists to win. Those people who insist upon trials will allow the Islamofascists to impose a tyranny upon us, and the liberals who support trials would rue the day they win because that coming Islamofascist tyranny may not even allow trials.
  • I believe the Founding Fathers never envisioned our rights being extended to aliens abroad, and that they had ample opportunity to explain the rights of foreigners if they had wished. That’s because I also believe that the liberal media has hidden from the historical record the hundreds of foreign wars our Founding Fathers waged abroad. You can bet the Founders didn’t Mirandize all millions of towel-heads they detained, nor did they give a trial to the spies they caught like John Andre. (That’s a link to a liberal media lie, I’m sure.)
  • I believe that all of those detained by our military on a chaotic battlefield are guilty, hardened terrorists, and those handed over to our forces by sweet, well-intentioned bounty hunters are all equally guilty. None of those detained are innocent, not that we should care about those rag-heads anyway.
  • I believe that when our soldiers interrogate detainees and use as a guide a chart which claims to explain “Communist Attempts to Elicit False Confessions,” that our interrogators will extract only truthful information that is vital to our safety. We should base our whole national security policy upon this information.
  • I believe the jurisdiction of the U.S. Constitution does not reach outside of the geographic United States … except in cases where the President wants our military to strike, which is just about everywhere.
  • I believe people who support the Bill of Rights are living in a September 10th worldview.
  • I believe the Constitution is not a suicide pact, so we must do away with all that Constitution stuff about trials, torture, habeas corpus and prohibition against warrantless surveillance.
  • I believe we must strike the right balance between liberty and security, which means we should err on the side of security and strike out liberty. Clearly, we can not have both liberty and security. Ben Franklin was just as wrong as Thomas Jefferson.
  • I believe in the Founding Fathers’ concept of limited government, but only when the Republican Party leadership and Fox News Channel (or do I repeat myself) tells me to do so.

Yes, I have evolved. I believe what I hear.

Repetition is all. I have to end this column now, because Sean Hannity is about to go on the air.

July 29, 2008

Thomas R. Eddlem [send him mail] is a freelance writer who never thought he was that bright. But he has been published in more than 20 periodicals, and his essays have been re-published in five books. Recently, he has written the introduction to William Norman Grigg’s latest book, Liberty In Eclipse, and has also contributed a chapter to an upcoming biography on Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, Ron Paul: A Life.

Copyright © 2008