satire

Aching News

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In breaking news, holocaust investigators in Germany and Poland have found long lost bunkers from the World War II era filled with soap.

Fresh on the heels of the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum shocking report of the discovery of 42,500 Nazi ghettos and camps throughout Europe that were previously unknown, the bunkers of soap apparently answers the question of “What happened to all of the bodies?’

Self appointed spokesman Elie Weasel released this statement:

“The discovery of 6 million bars of soap in the hidden bunkers puts an end to the holocaust deniers claim that it was mathematically and physically impossible to gas and burn the great number of our sacred victims without leaving any trace. Secret Nazi technology rendered the bodies into soap which was then stockpiled for use later on in the Reich world order.”

Abe Fauxman bitterly lashed out at skeptics:

“Anti-Semitic revisionists are continuing their slander. There is absolutely no credence to their claim that the soap also contains remnants of gypsies, tramps and thieves. Our testing will conclude that the soap is pure jewish….as pure as the jewish genome is throughout the world.”

DNA samples from the soap are now being taken which will be matched to the DNA of all living Ashkenazi jews on earth. New York and Tel Aviv lawyers are lining up to cash in on the new round of reparation lawsuits in honor of these newly found vicsims victims. Estimates range that upwards of $6 trillion may be extorted gladly given by the guilt ridden countries involved in the ‘clean up.’

Investigators are continuing their search in Europe using ground penetrating radar to find more of the bunkers. Expectations are high that this will result in the discovery of millions of…..lampshades.

More Reasons to Attack Iran Now

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source

1. It seems that Iran is doing research into GMO crops and producing a few but moving very slowly in that direction. That’s because they are not doing business with Monsanto. There’s also a debate involving the Quran that regards crop pollutants an abomination. How can we expect Iran to be the next Iraq unless they are ‘controlled by seed?’

2. Iran has a 5 year plan where at least 25 percent of agricultural crops are to be produced through organic methods and the organic farmers receive subsidies. This is a very un-American stance and they should be subsidizing factory farms and paying some of the large landowners not to grow food like we do.

3. Apparently Iran does not add enough fluoride to their drinking water as all the good American cities do. Iran seems to have varying degrees of fluoride in their natural water supplies and has done studies showing that children’s IQ’s are lower where the fluoride levels are higher. We can’t have them spreading this pseudo-science all over the world. Only Harvard can do that.

4. Iran may or may not produce aspartame but they do trade in it, probably with China. Not only does this cut into the profits of American companies but is proof that they traffic in WMD’s. No wonder Donald Rumsfeld was so hot to trot to go to war with them.

5. Besides Ahmadinejad questioning the jews magic 6 million number he jumps the shark by claiming that Iran’s enemies are creating a drought by destroying the rain clouds before they can reach his country. Is he calling those who say chemtrails is a myth and that HAARP is only a peaceful means of communication with submarines deniers? 

6. Can you believe this? Iran is allegedly dealing in UN carbon credits worth millions a year. Al Gore says “bomb them now, that’s my scam.”

7. Rumors. Iran is actually working on free energy technology and we can’t have that. 

8. More rumors. Iran is one of the biggest buyers of gold bullion over the past decade after China, Russia and India, and is among the 20 largest holders of gold reserves. Everyone knows that only central banks, legitimate countries and the super-rich can be trusted to hold that much gold. How can there be a one world currency with the illusion of gold backing if Iran has that much?

9. Doesn’t Iran know that sanctions are meant to destabilize their economy and that any attempt to stabilize its falling currency is an act of war? If at all possible Iranian children must starve to achieve Israel’s and the banker’s goals. As Madeleine Albright says, “We think the price is worth it.”

10. Although the mainstream media is shy on reporting it, the Iranian Central Bank has got to go. Iran just doesn’t get it that our system of the Federal Reserve and such upstanding Wall Street firms like Goldman Sachs must be the way of the whole world. Why, Iran even has a law called The Usury-Free Banking Act of 1983 and as we all know that’s Sharia economic law and we don’t want anything similar coming to a town near us. As Pamela Geller would say, “They’re savages, savages I tell you.”

Sarcasm aside, the children of Iran are just like ours.

Everybody knows …..

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…..that only in New York City can steel frame hi-rise buildings collapse from fire.

Experts from Popular Mechanics have already released a statement saying “People must realize that the laws of physics in NYC are totally different from those in a Muslim country like Turkey.  NIST proved that in its report on WTC7.”

…..that no matter how rich and ‘good looking’ a Republican governor is, he is not a true Republican if he hires a Muslim and, gasp, an openly gay male in his administration. So other Repubs in the state must renounce their own leader and pressure him to fire those two heretics before gay led sharia law takes over.
Plus, Haslam rhymes with Muslim and apparently no one noticed that before they voted him in.
…..that the FDA is not a cult of tyranny as this video alleges…..that all federal agencies are benevolent and benign and work only for the well being of  the people and never for special interests. 
 …..that Hillary Clinton is such a liar that even Netanyahu can’t trust her. Well, let me think about that one for a second. The Israelis have so much dirt on her that she wouldn’t dare go against them. Blackmail works. Just ask Bill.

And what about the reports that Hillary was involved in Operation Fast and Furious? Nah, how would she know anything about gun and drug running and money laundering? Mena never really happened, did it? Vince Foster just got tired of living, didn’t he?
…..that Israel has the right to the land in Israel, that settlements in the West Bank are legal, the Balfour Declaration justifies taking the land, that the six million holocaust happened and that jews are always the victims. Haaretz says it’s so, so it must be.
…..that Syria is a bad country and must be broken up into pieces for the good of their own people no matter how many die and that Russia is just as bad and that “allegations by anonymous western officials about the movement of chemical arms within Syria will be used to create another fake event that the Syrian government can then be accused of” are just the ravings of conspiracy nuts. 
…..that talk of the disintegration of the jewish state are the crazy rantings by a self-hating jew, Gilad Atzmon
…..that Romney doesn’t have billions hidden in offshore accounts and that anyone who thinks so is an anti-capitalist commie…..and that anyone who thinks the Mormons are being used as a front for jewish money and power is some kind of anti-semite/anti-mormonite kook and the press should come up with a new term for these dual ‘religious’ bigots.
…..that Iceland is not recovering and is not stalking its banksters and putting them in jail and could never be an example for the rest of the western world. 
…..that Britain’s number one black newspaper has been denied access to the Olympics stadium to give direct coverage from the games is not because they are a thorn in the side of the establishment. It must be because they don’t love the queen like everyone else does…..and that the top Olympic sponsors like Coca-Cola and McDonald’s are not hypocritical junk food pushers. They are part of the breakfast of champions you know.
…..that Obama would never use an appearance at a US men’s Olympic basketball exhibition game as a photo op to show what a family man he is and to distract the pubic with talk of which Olympic team was the best. He can’t talk all the time about who is on his kill list and what country we will destroy next, can he?

…..that John Hagee is right when he says “evangelical Christians are on the front line of defense for Israel in the United States of America” and that “The Bible is a Zionist text.” God told him so and by god we had better listen.

Sure, everybody knows these things. It’s just preaching to the choir again.

I’m going to divert myself away from all this important ‘news’ and listen to an old favorite from a local band from way back when. These guys are older now but aren’t we all.

Step Right Up and Get Your Facebook Shares

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The big day is nigh in the sideshow world of Wall Street. Facebook is barking to the suckers and the line is long. The bull is raging so step right up, enter in and get yourself a piece of the pie. Keep clicking those FB ads and the profits will surely soar.  Stocks are a long term investment I’ve always been told so hold on to them. There’s still a few billion more customers to sign up.

Did Zuckerberg give shares in exchange for the seed money from the NSA, CIA or whoever it was or are the dividends already in place through the backdoor systems that were required upfront? Who cares? We’re not doing anything wrong, are we, and a little spying is always to be expected no matter what ‘ism we live under. So what if Facebook owns all the information we post. We couldn’t sell it anyway. Ah, but by owning some stock we too can see a profit from all those important posts about what your ‘friend’ had for supper last night.

Let’s not stop there. I want more IPO’s. Prisons are increasingly privatized so why not do the same for Guantanamo? In private hands the show trials could be moved to the Superdome and lots of tickets sold. Later on the executions on pay-per-view could draw a world wide audience. The public and shareholders would be happy. What more could you ask for?

And what about all the internment camps that supposedly have been built? They are just sitting there empty and there’s no money in that. We need a public offering. The shareholders would demand that they be filled up and like nursing homes, those invited to live there would have their houses and other assets confiscated to pay for their stay. The private sector would cut costs and profits distributed to the smiling stockholders. A win-win situation if I ever saw one.  Well, not for everyone but hey, we’re talking cutting into the national debt here.

It’s just not fair that bankers can fund all sides in a conflict and reap all the profits. Why can’t we as individuals get in on the action? The Taliban could sell stock in their operation and we would get a say so in what they do. Hezbollah and Hamas could do the same although Hamas would be a gamble seeing as they are a little confined at the moment. The stockholder’s meetings in exotic places would be so much fun.

We can buy stock in Murdoch’s NewsCorp but Al-Qaeda’s media arm, Al-Sahab is off limits. They are essentially the same so why not? I would vote for Rita Katz as chairman of the board for Al-Sahab. She has the experience. Just because it’s a freak show doesn’t mean there’s not an opportunity there. 
We could go on and on; NGO’s, non-profits, even churches need to go public, pay some taxes and pass out some dividends. That might not go over so well as it could make it a little harder for those few to steal the big majority of donations. Stockholders always demand accountability, don’t they?
I’m being silly here but we’ll see who are the silly ones in a few years, maybe a few months.  Perhaps it will be those who pour $10 billion into Facebook and find out the game is rigged. Yes, we’ll see.

BJB

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In response to ABC’s new prime time show “Good Christian Bitches (GCB),” Goy TV is pleased to announce its soon to be an Emmy winner “Bad Jewish Bitches (BJB).” Based on teachings from the fraudulent forgery ‘Protocols of the Learned Elders of Goyism,’ the first show will be an inside look at “The Bitches of AIPAC.” Featuring jews and shabbat goys alike including Nancy Pelosi, Jane Harman, Liz Cheney and Kathy Ireland, the focus will be on bitches for bombing Iran.

Taking time away from his 12th meal of the day, Abe Foxman denounced the show as an affront to all jewish bitches everywhere and pledged to file a formal complaint with the FCC. “We rule Hollywood and no upstart ‘Goy TV’ will ever be able to challenge our domination,” Foxman said as he twirled a fried chicken leg over his head.

Christian zionist spokesperson John Hagee also blasted “BJB” as a sacrilege to all of his jew worshiping followers. “We have not gotten this close to the apocalypse, armageddon, world war III and the rapture to allow this cattle production to succeed. “BJB” will be stopped through a concerted boycott of their advertisers,” Hagee swore. Replying to Hagee’s threats, Goy TV said that since it had no advertisers a boycott was a moot point.

Homeland Security boss Janet Napolitano called “BJB” a threat to national security and said she would personally grope, uhhh search all those involved in the production. Joe Lieberman promised to immediately introduce legislation banning the show from the airways and likened the producers to ‘holocaust deniers’ and nutcase ‘9/11 truthers.’  Cass Sunstein smiled and said “We have ways of dealing with these things.” Google, facebook and yahoo guaranteed to track all those who even mentioned “BJB” on their innertubes and to turn all the personal information over to the NSA, FBI, CIA and the Jewish Defense League.

“BJB” will air Sunday night in an alternate universe near you.

The Lighting Ceremony

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Children from across the nation read their award-winning essays on the meaning of  Ronald McDonald during the National Big Mac lighting ceremony at the White House. The Mac Festival of Lights began Wednesday with the first lighting of the Big M. (Dec. 1)

Critics of the ceremony and promotion of one burger over others pointed to the inordinate influence of the American McDonald’s Policy Action Committee and the infiltration of our government by mac firsters.

ADL spokesman Abe Macman was quick to respond calling the charges anti-macitic and urging Congress to pass laws against such hate speech.

“It’s an insult to the first 6 million sold,” Macman was quoted as saying.

Tribal Magazine Premiers to Rave Reviews

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“Who Said the Print Media is Dead?”

Giant zionist media conglomerate says “Lets stop this pussyfooting around and put all of the ‘news the tribe can use’ in one place.”

Free John Hagee video that was banned by youtube, “In Defense of Israel,” with each subscription!

Breaking news for subscribers only –

Rahm Characterizes Washington Culture as ‘Fucknutsville’

art by David Dees via Rense

Also inside this month’s zionst mag – a blast from the past …

Barack Obama: “America’s First Jewish President”

According to a nationally prominent Zionist spokesperson, former Congressman, Federal Judge, White House Counsel to President Bill Clinton and early backer of Obama, Abner Mikvner, “Barack Obama is the first Jewish President.” Mikvner’s affirmation reflects both Obama’s one-sided and longstanding commitment to the State of Israel and loyalty to the Zionist Power Configuration (ZPC) in the United States, as well as the long-term and successful effort of a network of financially and politically powerful Jewish Zionists to ‘embed’ Obama to their ‘Israel First’ political apparatus.

Plus a special feature – ‘Rahm’s Private Instructions to the Staff’ which includes …

Hillary Clinton Refuses to Answer Questions About Gaza Flotilla

Robert Gibbs says “No face-to-face summit talks between Ahmadinejad and Barry.”

And … AIPAC and ADL rate each member of Congress on how they are advancing “The Protocols.”

                        Joe Lieberman tops the scorecard and urges others to follow his lead.
With in depth fashion tips …
Next month …

“How Israel Gets the U.S. to Fight Wars For Them”

and if applicable – “How’s That War With Iran Going?”